[dec 5] here’s looking for meaning at the bottom of a bowl.

but there are dreams that cannot be
and there are storms we cannot weather
les miserables, "i dreamed a dream"

it’s friday, which means this week is at an end, which means, hurrah, we’ve survived another week. five days of posting done, something i doubt i’ll repeat again, because i do think it’s better to sit on something, let it stew, and work it over and over until it’s more than a slapdash idea.

it was my birthday on monday, and it’s something i largely let slide under the radar — and it probably would have gone totally under the radar had i not written that here. it’s been a difficult year, probably the darkest i’ve seen thus far, and it’s been a year of navigating disappointment after disappointment, of losing hope and feeling the ground fall out from under my feet (again), of continuing this race i always seem to be running against time, a race i will never win.

i guess i wanted to commemorate surviving, though, of still being here at the end of 2016 and not just letting the moment pass dismissed. i also wanted to take on a small challenge in an attempt to give my brain something to chew on, and, in this, these five days have largely been successful — i’ve finally made significant headway on an essay i’ve been wanting to write for a few months now, one i plan to pitch, the prospect of rejections and the fear of personal essays be damned.

and don’t worry — the diary-esque-ness of the last five days won’t stick around. i’m pretty sure i’ve said this before, but this space is a constant work-in-progress, and it’s been confirmed that i don’t quite enjoy that kind of posting. i prefer longer forms, so we’ll go back to semi-regular posts of more depth.

thank you, as always, for reading.


chuko serves one of my favorite bowls of ramen, and, as it turns out, their wings are damn good, too. the last time i ate at chuko, it was october 2015, and they’ve since moved into a larger space up the street, still just a few blocks away from ample hills (because ramen and ice cream go together very well). get the pork broth with the roasted pork; it’s a bowl that surprisingly isn’t salty or too heavy; and the pork is so tender, pairs well with the menma and bitter greens. it’s a bowl that’s perfect for these colder, darker days when the future is unknowable and offers no hope.